Tyranny in the Tiny Kingdom
Travesty in the Tiny Kingdom
Trapped in the Tiny Kingdom
All of these would be such great titles for Fictional books or Fictional movies. Picture the setting. A little Utopia. All of the people are beautiful and brilliant. Their houses, lawns, children and pets are picture perfect. There is no poverty. No one is homeless or hungry. There are churches on every corner and temples North South East and West. Manners are impeccable. Outsiders are welcome to join into the community. There are unwritten standards …you will know them soon enough. There are invisible boundaries… If you get too close you you will feel the deterring sting. There are certain things that are to be ignored. Pleasant people do not pay homage to unpleasant things: Drug use; suicide; depression; alcohol abuse; sexual promiscuity.
None of these inconveniences are specific to this place. Every place has them
…but nowhere else hides them so well! It is hard to believe that there could be anything unsightly behind those tall fences and stone walls…behind those perfect smiles
There is a phenomenon… like the Bermuda Triangle…like a force field of magnetic energy…a swirling dense gravitational pull concentrated in one small area…a cluster of villages giving off a silent ping…beckoning Like to Like.
Perhaps the obvious pull is the idea that this place is a Tiny Kingdom which implies that there must be a ruling king or ruling queen … one for every household. A kingdom also has servants and underlings and people who do the less attractive, less meaningful jobs. There is a hierarchy. A pecking order established. People know their place. And they know what kind of hell can break loose if the despot’s authority is questioned…usurped…or heaven forbid there is mutiny. “Underlings, subordinates who don’t want to be controlled? Never!”
In the “Real” world outside of the kingdom, if we took a random sample of twenty-five men aged 18-55 off of the street, we would likely find that two were narcissists and one of them was a psychopath.
If we went to the Tiny Kingdom world and took a random sample of twenty-five men aged 18-55 out of their social groups or business offices, I predict that the percentage of narcissists and psychopaths would be much Much MUCH higher.
That doesn’t mean that every man in the Tiny Kingdom has a dangerous personality disorder. Not even close. Some of them are the best guys you would ever hope to meet. Truly.
But not all are the best. Some are the worst. And you don’t even know to avoid them because they blend in so well with the rest!
I can not tell you why I predict that there are a higher ratio of dangerous personalities concentrated in this one small area…other than Like attracts Like. And I cannot tell you who they are or where you will find them…But if you find yourself in a Not Fictional town known as the Tiny Kingdom, be on the look out for the following: (you are more likely to find these people if you go into their home first and meet alone with…the lady of the house: Is she Cinderella before the ball or Cinderella after the ball? If she is Cinderella after the ball then you can leave and feel happy for her! Or…Is she a deadened, muzzled, reduced version of what you can tell could have been or could in some other setting be an amazing woman?…Or is he the man of the house who is beaten so low and so thoroughly and left so empty that he is see-through… And everyone knows it, especially him? Is she gingerly walking on tip-toe? Is he avoiding invisible eggshells?
… Come across these people? And you are probably on the right track!)
Now go and see with eyes wide open What…Not WHO… is going to come back into that house…to Pre- Ball Cinderella or to Mr. Cellophane…See WHAT is going to go home to the kids who are watching and learning how to be adults in a world. What world are they going to be adults in? the real one or one that has a King or a Queen?
This is what you need to be on the lookout for: a person who…
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
- Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Or what about these things…does this sound familiar? Do you know anyone like this?
- Not every story a narcissist tells is one of victory. But even in the stories of tragedy or failure, there’s an air of entitlement and victimization.
Narcissists will often tell stories about themselves -even when a story is of something negative that happened, it’ll never be the narcissist’s fault. There’s emotional victimization… not being understood or people not recognizing their value. “It’s about me and how I’m great,” but others aren’t realizing it.
- They’re likable — at least, at first glance.
Narcissists tend to be great at first impressions, coming across as very charismatic and personable
- They can often be found in leadership roles.
- They like nice things. One of the hallmark traits of narcissism is the desire to display high status, and this is often done with material items,
- Appearance is everything to them.
Narcissists are not necessarily more attractive than other people, but they do take care of their appearance and place an importance on looking physically attractive often to maintain status
- They are strongly averse to criticism.
While no one can honestly say they like receiving criticism, people with narcissism are hyper-sensitive to it
- Excuses are a narcissist’s best friend.
Narcissists tend to externalize blame, pinning the blame on everyone but themselves
- They leave a trail of wreckage behind them.
- Everything is personal.
There may not be signs of overt self-reference and promotion. But there is defensiveness and reactive anger if they are not recognized or if they can’t get their way. If you do something to the narcissist that he doesn’t like, it means you’re against him or you don’t understand him
- A narcissistic person probably has no idea he or she is a narcissist.
Narcissists belief they are more special than others, prevent them from seeing that they have a problem. More shy narcissists may experience symptoms of depression or anxiety, that spur them to get professional help for those problems. But the ones who feel superior are very unlikely to see themselves as needing help. They are more likely to say to themselves, “I feel so great, I know I’m awesome, so why did everybody leave me?”
- You find yourself resorting to flattery just to maintain the peace with a narcissist.
While the best way to deal with a narcissist is to just cut the cord and run, there are certain circumstances where you have no choice but to deal. Maybe the narcissist is a family member, or maybe it’s your boss. In these cases, flattery is the best way to avoid conflict.
- Narcissists are not low in self-esteem. A common belief is that people who are high in narcissism are secretly low in self-esteem — but this just isn’t true. As far as narcissists in a typical population are concerned, they have a very high self-esteem and don’t have a deep-seated insecurity
- Men are more likely to be narcissists than women.
(Sources :Psychcentral and the Huffington Post on-line articles)
- According to the Mayo clinic mayoclinic.org/diseases DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerating your achievements and talents
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
- Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
- Requiring constant admiration
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
- Taking advantage of others to get what you want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Being envious of others and believing others envy you
- Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.
So, that is a peek into the Sick and Scary world of dealing with a grown person who is never wrong, who always expects and demands to get their own way and who will do just about anything to stay in control…while managing to look like the reasonable and easy to get along with guy to the rest of the world.
Check out this article by Lindsey Ellison. It truly says it all…
“If you are related to, married to, or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.
Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning, you hold them to such high esteem (of course to which they are fully aware) and they love to bask in your adulation.
But once you catch on to their tactics, and question behavior that is opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their aggressor, and expertly blame you for the relationship’s demise, and all other misfortunes in their life.
And you, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point in hopes that he snaps out of his irrational behavior.
Maybe this time he will understand, you think.
If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can’t be THAT close-minded, I’m going to tell him once more.
But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a child, as if you’re stupid. And you can’t even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make him “get it” — and the more you do that, the more it supplies his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.
The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the Narcissistic Vortex — it’s a deep, black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you’re crazy, unloved, or worse, that you aren’t worthy of anyone else’s love so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.
If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the expert advice is to have no contact with him. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.
But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term — how do you manage the constant manipulation even as you try to get on with your life? He might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own false self-worth), or he criticizes you for everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO falsely mistaken, you write him a long email, explaining your actions, or you become ensued in a long texting battle.
And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.
You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to him (no matter how negative), it feeds his narcissistic supply — a.k.a, his false sense of self that he is better than you (or anyone else for that matter).
So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: does it require a reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during divorce or logistics with the children?
Unfortunately with Narcissists, they can never write an email without making themselves look a victim/martyr, or passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult. The true secret to engaging with a narcissist is little to no response. Reply with “yes” or “no” answers, or merely factual replies like, “yes, I am picking kids up at 5:00 p.m. today.” Ignore all other stabs or attempts of getting a heated reaction from you.
If your narcissist wants to talk with you over the phone about certain matters, let him ask you questions for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation, quite simply say to him, “If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in email.” And then hang up.
You will never change his mind. You will never get him to see your side of things. As long as you attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in his vortex and unable to move on.
Learning how to deal with a narcissist can’t be accomplished by reading just this one blog. It takes skill, practice, reading books on the subject and perhaps coaching or therapy. Whatever you do, don’t try to learn this alone.”
Do you understand now? If you are the Narcissist you don’t…and you probably never will. This is for the rest of us that have a friend or family member…who is trying to deal with someone who is impossible to deal with. Help them. Don’t turn a blind eye and think that they can handle it alone…or that they should suck it up and deal with it…or that they caused this problem. And for God’s sake before you drink the Kool-aid that the narcissist offers you, consider the person that the Narcissist is trying to turn you against. Has this person ever done anything that would support these claims?
Perhaps the person that the Narcissist is pointing out as The Bad Guy… is not. Perhaps the Real Bad Guy is the one with the tear stained face holding out the Kool-aid in one hand and pointing one finger away in blame with the other. Did you ever stop to notice that while one finger is pointing at someone else, three are pointing back at the accuser? And while you are sympathizing with the tears on the accusers face did you ever stop to notice all the years worth of tears shed from the one being accused?
…And we are not even going to entertain the notion that our Narcissist is possibly a psychopath. That is way too much to worry about now.
People in the Tiny Kingdom and people in the Real world, look out for these people. All of them. They are everywhere.
Look out to avoid the Narcissist and Psychopath…and look to see and help their victims. Please.
Today is the 64th Annual National Day of Prayer. Please stop whatever you are doing right now and sincerely offer up a heart felt plea for God to help…nothing is impossible for those who believe. I believe that God can heal and make whole all of this. Pray for families. Pray for Spouses and Parents and the health of children in traditional and non-traditional homes. Pray that homes are full of light and love…that they are a safe place. That they are a place of comfort and peace. And when our homes are places of healing and light and love, then each family member can go out into to world and be a healer and giver of light and sharer love. This is not an impossible prayer. This is a necessary prayer to stop the bleed and to repair the damage and to remove the root of the weed and to break the curse. In Jesus name I urgently pray for your Holy Spirit to convict the individual hearts of all men and women that they must choose today to love…even our enemy. Bless. Do not curse. Bless. Do not curse. Hurl your hurt and hate to the feet of Jesus and let him take care of it. Let him take it and turn it into something good. Blessings on all. In Jesus precious name I pray for you and for me and for all of mankind now and forevermore. Amen